Tom and Marian
Phyllis Green
It happened when they were making love. Tom’s whole body swelled up to twice its size and then split in two and there were two Toms. One finished his mission and the other sat at the bottom of the bed and quietly watched.
Marian saw it happen. Amazing. Cell division. This must not get out, she thought.
The new Tom liked to cook and do dishes so it worked out well. And Marian liked having two husbands.
Then several days later the two Toms both swelled up and divided and there were four Toms.
Marian liked to show them off. They went to Seaside and walked the promenade together. Marian looked pityingly at the women who only had one.
As for the newest Toms, one liked to grocery shop and the other liked to clean bathrooms. The only problem got to be sex. Marian was becoming disturbed with three Toms staring at her and Tom No. 1, so she said, “Just pile on” and they became like a sandwich with Marian at the bottom. If there were any more, my husbands would reach to the ceiling Marian thought, a tiny smirk forming on her pouty lips. More than that, and we might have to do it out of doors and my husbands might reach into the clouds. This thought pleased her very much.
And of course there were more. The four husbands expanded into eight. Marian could not have been more thrilled. The chores got done quickly and they could all go to the movies or play video games or tennis. They got on so well together too until the Toms started getting on too well and talked about going to a sports bar and watching football together. There was no mention of Marian accompanying them. Marian became alarmed so she quickly said, “We can start a volleyball game. They did and soon became so good they entered tournaments and won prizes and a bit of money too. But when the eight Toms swelled up and became sixteen, Marian said, “We can become a theatrical troupe, and they started rehearsing musicals like HMS Pinafore and The Mikado which they performed in surrounding states becoming rather famous.
Marian had sixteen husbands for quite some time but eventually cell division took place again and then there were thirty-two Toms. The first Tom didn’t have enough clothes to go around and so some of the Toms were without. This was rather delicate when Marian’s mother, their mother-in-law, came to call.
“Good grief, you greedy girl,” she said to Marian. “It’s not enough that you get thirty-two husbands but some are stark naked. The other girls must be horribly jealous. I am horribly jealous.”
One of the Toms came to comfort his mother-in-law. “Don’t touch me you pervert!” she shrieked. “You don’t have clothes! Stay away, far away.”
“Mother,” Marian said, “you must know we are quite the happily married couple.”
“Couple!” her mother said. “How quaint. There is not an inch of this house that does not contain a husband.” She left and not in good spirits. “I refuse to return until every one of them is wearing clothes as God thinks best.”
The thirty-two Toms swelled up one day and split into sixty-four. It was not a good day. They became too much of a burden. There was no space. There was not enough food to go around. Marian became distressed and took to her bed alone. There can be too much of a good thing she thought.
The house became a mess. There was no room to clean it. No one felt like going to the grocery store and so they were left to eat a few grains of uncooked rice found in a red and white box in the cupboard. The house began to smell as the Toms could not reach the bathroom in time. Mold started to grow everywhere there was space at all.
Finally the neighbors called the police as the stink had pervaded the neighborhood.
Marian was arrested for not keeping her husbands in the manner that they deserved. Their toe nails were unclipped and their feet had become clawed. Their hair was down about their knees. They were bony and starving.
“Don’t you know how to treat a husband?” the police asked. “This is a clear case of unusual cruelty.”
So Marian was arrested and put in jail. There was a brief trial where she was found guilty and sentenced to five years. The Toms were put up for adoption or simply given away as they were a sorry lot at the time. No decent girl would have them. A few were taken in by missionaries and the rest simply drifted.
When Marian’s time was up (three years and 4 days for good behavior) she began to search for her Toms. She felt truly remorseful. She remembered what fun they had and she missed it very much.
She went looking for them at any place she felt they might be -- coming out of a bus station, a train, a rock concert, a country fair or a carnival. She took her time to study each face to see if Tom or Tom or Tom or Tom was there.
After she would go to a bar and have a beer. If a man tried to flirt with her she would say, “Sorry, not interested. I was married once…” She didn’t explain but he seemed to understand.
When she finished her beer she would step outside where the air was fresh and she could breathe and look at the moon. I miss him Marian thought. And him. And him. And him. And him. And him. And him. And him. And him. And him. And him. And
Marian saw it happen. Amazing. Cell division. This must not get out, she thought.
The new Tom liked to cook and do dishes so it worked out well. And Marian liked having two husbands.
Then several days later the two Toms both swelled up and divided and there were four Toms.
Marian liked to show them off. They went to Seaside and walked the promenade together. Marian looked pityingly at the women who only had one.
As for the newest Toms, one liked to grocery shop and the other liked to clean bathrooms. The only problem got to be sex. Marian was becoming disturbed with three Toms staring at her and Tom No. 1, so she said, “Just pile on” and they became like a sandwich with Marian at the bottom. If there were any more, my husbands would reach to the ceiling Marian thought, a tiny smirk forming on her pouty lips. More than that, and we might have to do it out of doors and my husbands might reach into the clouds. This thought pleased her very much.
And of course there were more. The four husbands expanded into eight. Marian could not have been more thrilled. The chores got done quickly and they could all go to the movies or play video games or tennis. They got on so well together too until the Toms started getting on too well and talked about going to a sports bar and watching football together. There was no mention of Marian accompanying them. Marian became alarmed so she quickly said, “We can start a volleyball game. They did and soon became so good they entered tournaments and won prizes and a bit of money too. But when the eight Toms swelled up and became sixteen, Marian said, “We can become a theatrical troupe, and they started rehearsing musicals like HMS Pinafore and The Mikado which they performed in surrounding states becoming rather famous.
Marian had sixteen husbands for quite some time but eventually cell division took place again and then there were thirty-two Toms. The first Tom didn’t have enough clothes to go around and so some of the Toms were without. This was rather delicate when Marian’s mother, their mother-in-law, came to call.
“Good grief, you greedy girl,” she said to Marian. “It’s not enough that you get thirty-two husbands but some are stark naked. The other girls must be horribly jealous. I am horribly jealous.”
One of the Toms came to comfort his mother-in-law. “Don’t touch me you pervert!” she shrieked. “You don’t have clothes! Stay away, far away.”
“Mother,” Marian said, “you must know we are quite the happily married couple.”
“Couple!” her mother said. “How quaint. There is not an inch of this house that does not contain a husband.” She left and not in good spirits. “I refuse to return until every one of them is wearing clothes as God thinks best.”
The thirty-two Toms swelled up one day and split into sixty-four. It was not a good day. They became too much of a burden. There was no space. There was not enough food to go around. Marian became distressed and took to her bed alone. There can be too much of a good thing she thought.
The house became a mess. There was no room to clean it. No one felt like going to the grocery store and so they were left to eat a few grains of uncooked rice found in a red and white box in the cupboard. The house began to smell as the Toms could not reach the bathroom in time. Mold started to grow everywhere there was space at all.
Finally the neighbors called the police as the stink had pervaded the neighborhood.
Marian was arrested for not keeping her husbands in the manner that they deserved. Their toe nails were unclipped and their feet had become clawed. Their hair was down about their knees. They were bony and starving.
“Don’t you know how to treat a husband?” the police asked. “This is a clear case of unusual cruelty.”
So Marian was arrested and put in jail. There was a brief trial where she was found guilty and sentenced to five years. The Toms were put up for adoption or simply given away as they were a sorry lot at the time. No decent girl would have them. A few were taken in by missionaries and the rest simply drifted.
When Marian’s time was up (three years and 4 days for good behavior) she began to search for her Toms. She felt truly remorseful. She remembered what fun they had and she missed it very much.
She went looking for them at any place she felt they might be -- coming out of a bus station, a train, a rock concert, a country fair or a carnival. She took her time to study each face to see if Tom or Tom or Tom or Tom was there.
After she would go to a bar and have a beer. If a man tried to flirt with her she would say, “Sorry, not interested. I was married once…” She didn’t explain but he seemed to understand.
When she finished her beer she would step outside where the air was fresh and she could breathe and look at the moon. I miss him Marian thought. And him. And him. And him. And him. And him. And him. And him. And him. And him. And him. And
