Yes do sit down. It is such a pleasure to have my first customer. Well, don’t think this is the first time I have done this because of course I have done my own nails many times so I am not actually new at it. But please get comfortable. Here, put your dear delicate fingers in this bowl. Your nails will get softened and then I can do a really good job. I should tell you my name is Weazie. I’ve been called that since I was a child. I am going to make you comfortable and do a very good job so you will want to be a regular for me and you will pay and then I will get paid and that is how that works, doesn’t it? Now I have been told the manicurist should always chat away and get the mind off of whatever might be troubling the customer, chat chat chat and I intend to be that kind of manicurist, the best kind, the chatty kind. Now we could discuss the weather. YEEEEEEEEEEEE! CAREFUL! DON’T KNOCK OVER THE NAIL POLISHES!
I mean, it was my entire fault, not yours. You are the customer. Anything breaks, blame me. That is proper. Now let me look at your hands. Beautiful. Lovely hands. You are fortunate. I will make them even better if possible because right now they are the best. So don’t be nervous, things will go well. I promise you. Okay, now this nail seems a little tough. Not your fault. Some nails are problem nails. But let me take the emery board to it. Uh uh, uh uh well, that isn’t working. I will resort to the nail scissors. Don’t be alarmed I have never cut my own skin!
Oh dear this is a tough nail. Hmmmnn. Okay this is what I do for my own tough nails. I bite them and I will bite yours very carefully, don’t worry, my teeth are clean as the street after rain. Wow, you have tough nails. Now I will swallow your nail as I do mine. ARRGH.
Oh it is catching in my throat. ARRGH GUH. Oh no, what a terrible taste. A disgusting taste your nail has. It is, oh it is poison! You have put poison under your nails you evil one. Now I am to die. GLUG UG
Just kidding. Wanted to put a little humor, make you relax. Don’t leave! Please don’t get up and knock over the table and spill the polishes and bolt out the door. Please stay calm. It was just a joke. My little joke. Please calm down. Calm down and you will be my regular customer and I will be your regular manicurist and it will be good, yes. Relax.
I will tell you about when I went to the grocery store. Yes, a chat we will have. I needed the basic supplies. Milk, bread, cheese. Feeling calmer? Everything okay? So I went to the grocery store and got the items. And when I came home I set them on the kitchen table and went to see where my husband was. I opened the bedroom door and I saw that he was in bed with someone.
Now you are calmer. You are relaxed and ready to hear my story. That’s good. This will be a good color for your nails, match your lovely complexion. Yes, here we go here we go. Base polish. Nicely nicely. Good.
Yes, I came home and found my husband in bed with someone. Uh-huh. Yes. You like my story. You will stay with me and be loyal because my husband was in bed with…
You like this color? Yes.
A lovely color. Looks beautiful on your nails. Ah yes. I love my job. I love being a manicurist, taking care of people.
It was a wolf. The window was open and a wolf had climbed in and was in bed with my husband. My husband was peacefully sleeping and this large, dirty wolf with matted fur was sleeping beside him on top of the covers.
There was a scream in my throat. That’s all I wanted to do was scream my lungs out but I thought what would be the consequence? It could be horrifying. Bloody! So I was frozen and no sounds came out of me. I stood there staring for several seconds and then I turned and buttoned up my coat and walked toward the front door of the house. I opened the door and walked out into the fresh air. I closed the door and locked it. I walked down the front steps and out to the gate. I opened the gate and walked through and then I turned and closed the gate. I looked for a moment back to the house then I turned and walked away. I walked one block and then two. Soon I had walked five blocks and then I began to run. I ran as fast as I could. I was breathing hard and my sides ached. I ran and ran until I came to the door of the Beauty Shop and then I walked in and started to work.
That was three hours ago. And now I am able to tell the story of my morning for the first time. And I have just told it. To you.