The Bird
JJ Norris
I can hear Mrs. J yelling at the nanny again.
“Irregardless! Irregardless!” she says.
Mrs. J is yelling and I have to laugh into my bent elbow because I’m standing at the sink doing dishes and my hands have the rubber gloves on them and they’re covered in soapy water. Man oh man! If Vinny were here. He’d go nuts. He knows all about grammar and words – all that sort of thing. He said to me Sweetheart, it’s “regardless,” there’s no such thing as “irregardless.” He hates when people say overexaggerate too. It’s redundant, doll – “exaggerate” does the job just fine.
I work for rich folks in New York City. The big apple. That’s what they call it. I’m still not sure why cause it’s not like there are apple trees or anything here. South Carolina – that’s where I’m from – it’s the Palmetto State and they call it that cause Palmetto is what they call palm trees and there are a lot of palm trees in South Carolina. So that makes sense.
“You shouldn’t need to be asked these things,” Mrs. J is saying to the nanny. “This is your job! If you and Braxton are playing with toys they need to be cleaned up immediately. All I do is trip over toys. This whole house is exploding with toys!”
I look over my shoulder at them. Mrs. J is waving her hand as she’s yelling and the nanny is looking at her real serious. Mrs. J gets mad a lot but I think it’s because she’s under stress. I turn around, get more soap on the dish sponge and go back to doing dishes. I like to mind my own business.
Mrs. J – that’s what we all call her – her name is Danielle and her husband is Josh Jansen. They have cars with drivers and a plane and a boat and more than one house.
I hear Mrs. J walking over and I focus on getting this dirty frying pan nice and sudsy.
“Shelley?”
My name’s not Shelley. It’s Shelby. But I don’t want to correct Mrs. J and upset her.
“Yes Mrs. J?”
“I left some laundry downstairs I need you to do before you go.”
“Yes ma’am.”
I always do laundry first thing in the morning. Its best to walk in, throw the loads in, start cleaning the house while they wash and dry and then do the hang dries just before lunch. Plenty of time that way. But sometimes before I go, Mrs. J adds something new before I go. I don’t mind staying a little late though, I’m glad to help her.
Mrs. J walks away in her clackety clack clack heels. She wears heels in the house even when she’s not going anywhere. I hear her go to her office and close the door.
The next minute, the nanny walks past me. Fast. She’s got her bag and keys in her hand. I turn around as she walks to front the door, opens it, and slams it behind her. It’s not even 5 o’clock yet and I know the nanny was supposed to stay late tonight with Braxton.
Mrs. J comes out of her office.
“What was that?” she asks, coming towards me.
“Shelley? What was that door slam?”
“Maura left,” I tell her.
“Maura left?” she says.
Mrs. J laughs but I can tell she’s angry. She goes back to her office.
By the time I’m done with the extra laundry, it’s 5:30. I’m getting my things together to leave when Mrs. J comes out.
“Shelley,” she says.
“Yes ma’am?”
“I need you to stay for a few more hours. With Braxton.”
“Um . . .”
“I know you’re not the nanny. Just help me out tonight. I have a dinner and Josh flies to Montreal tonight. I’ll order in and you just need to make sure Braxton finishes his homework, brushes his teeth, and is in bed by 9. Okay?”
She’s standing so close I can smell her perfume. Her clothes always look brand new and everything about her is just so clean. Her nail polish is always shiny and never chipping. I think of Ma and Aunt May and how even when they got dressed up for birthday dinners at the Cracker Barrel they never looked so clean and new. I think that when I get older I want to look like Mrs. J.
She’s waiting for me to give an answer. The agency said I’m only supposed to work 9 to 5 and they gave me a list of things that are part of my job – only cleaning stuff. But I don’t have any plans tonight. And Braxton’s a good kid – I like him, plus, I used to babysit the neighbor kids in Kingsville when I was younger.
“Sure – I can stay tonight.”
“Great,” she says, smiling at me which makes me smile because I barely ever see Mrs. J act happy like.
After Mrs. J leaves, I sit on the kitchen stool with Braxton while he does his homework.
“What kind of homework are you doing?” I ask him.
“Science.”
“Oh,” I say.
“We’re studying the animal kingdom. This week is birds. Like it?” he says, holding his paper up to me and I can see a pretty good drawing he did of a duck.
“That’s good. You got the colors just right. You ever seen a duck? In real life?”
“Yeah – at the park,” he says.
“Ever seen one inside?”
“Inside?”
“Yeah like in here?” I ask.
He’s looking at me real confused so I get off my stool and squat and stick my feet out funny and make my arms like wings and make a quacking noise with my tongue that sounds just like a duck. It’s a little trick I’ve always been able to do.
“Ahh!” Braxton yells, “you sound like a real duck. How do you do that?”
And I just keep waddling and quacking and Braxton laughs and laughs.
Mrs. J gets home after Braxton’s asleep. I walk to the front door when I hear her come in.
“Shelley – I was thinking – can you stay late again on Friday? You can come in late to clean. Just come in at noon and stay until 8 or 9.”
“I – I don’t know if-”
“Listen, just for a few days. Until I get someone to replace Maura. You’ll work the same hours just – later. And here, this is for tonight,” she says and hands me bills folded up and I can see that the top one is a hundred.
“Okay,” I say.
Mrs. J doesn’t say anything else and walks away.
I lied on my resume to get this job. Lied to the agency too. But Marie said it wasn’t a big deal, we were just stretching the truth a little.
Ma told me I had to move out after I finished high school. I was surprised, seeing as how Gina was still living there and Gina was four years older than me. On second thought, maybe I wasn’t so surprised.
When I told Aunt May that Ma was making me move out, she shook her head and said I should leave Kingsville. That she had a friend – Marie’s her name – who lived in New York City who made good money cleaning houses and that I should go. Aunt May’s been places besides Kingsville, not like Ma. Ma’s never been on a plane.
When I first moved to New York, I slept on Marie’s couch. My neck was sore those first few days because I spent so long walking around the city with my head tilted up at the buildings. Of course I’d seen New York on TV and online and such but never in person. I’d never seen buildings so tall in my life - I didn’t know people could build things so big.
Marie got me connected to the agency she works with – they get work for nannies and cleaners and state managers. She helped me do my resume. We lied and said that I cleaned houses back in Kingsville but really I just cleaned my own. But I cleaned it a lot – more than Gina did. Ma liked it to sparkle. It’s the least you can do. Pay me back some of the cost of raising you.
Marie had three roommates but they were all okay with me on the couch. But, after a few months, I could tell Marie wanted me to go. Which makes sense, because her apartment was pretty full and she’d done so much for me already. Problem was, I couldn’t get an apartment until I had permanent work. I only work for the Jansens for four more months until their other cleaner comes back from having her baby. I’m a temp the agency calls it. Temporary. But I need something permanent. When I tried to apply for my own apartment, no one would take me because they said they didn’t like my temp work. But the agency says I can’t get something permanent until I get more experience first.
So it was real lucky that I met Vinny.
I get off the subway in Bensonhurst and walk to Vinny’s apartment. I work in Manhattan but Bensonhurst is in Brooklyn. I use the first key for the front of the building and the second key for his apartment door. I never used keys at my house back in Kingsville. It was always unlocked or someone was home. Vinny gave me keys, which was nice of him, so I can come and go like I live here.
The shower is running. Vinny works construction so he always showers right when he gets home because he’s always covered in dirt at the end of the day. But it’s late now so this is probably his second shower. He’s real clean – doesn’t like dirt under his nails or dishes in the sink or the bed not made. I sit down in front of my suitcase where it’s propped open in the living room. Vinny’s apartment only has one bedroom so, at first, I was sleeping on the couch. But, after a few days, I started sleeping in his bed. Come on doll, that thing’s no good for your back. My bed’s plenty big enough. I promise – I’ll be a gentleman. No funny business.
I refold up some clothes in my suitcase, make it look neat. I won’t stay with Vinny forever. Just until I can get my own apartment. Until I can get permanent work. I take the money Mrs. J gave me out of my pocket. I unfold the bills and it’s three hundreds. That’s a lot. I wonder if the nannies and the cleaners and the state manager and the drivers all get paid the same as me or if some people make more and some make less.
“Hey there sweetheart,” Vinny says.
He’s got a towel wrapped around his waist but nothing else on so I can see all his tattoos – from his fingers up his arms, some on his chest and, when he walks by, the big one on his back that says All life is goodbye.
“Hi Vinny,” I say.
“You’re late. Everything okay?” he asks.
“The nanny quit,” I say.
“No surprise there. I can’t believe any of you stick around to work for that bitch. But what does the nanny quitting have to do with you?”
“Mrs. J. asked me to stay late to watch Braxton.”
He nods. “You hungry?” he says, pointing at the pizza box on the table. He always gets food for both of us. I used to try to give him money – for food and for rent and whatnot – but he won’t take it so now I don’t even try. I’m just happy to have you here, he says.
That night in bed, I lie on my side and pretend to be asleep. He turns the light off and I feel him slip under the covers. He’s up behind me and I can feel him, hard as always, grinding and rubbing into me. He starts to kiss my neck.
“Vinny?”
“What is it doll?”
“Could we do it another time?”
“Oh come on, you always have fun once we get going,” he reaches around and pushes his fingers inside me.
“Please?”
“Ugh.”
He turns to the other side and he says something but I can’t tell what. I can tell he’s upset.
I usually don’t mind going along with what he wants. It’s just tonight I’m feeling a certain kind of way. Not in the mood I guess. But, I don’t want to upset him. He’s letting me stay with him and that’s nice of him so if he wants to, I should try. I turn around towards him and put my arm over him, the front of my body is against his back.
“Vinny? Don’t be mad.”
“I’m not mad doll. I just like being close to you is all,” he says, and takes my hand in his.
I met Vinny one night while I was sitting at the outdoor tables at Bryant Park. It had been a few months of being in New York and I could tell Marie was wanting me to move out so I was trying to be at her apartment as little as possible so I would leave first thing in the morning and try to stay out as late as I could by finding places to sit and wait.
There were no other tables open and Vinny walked up and asked if he could share the table with me. He didn’t say anything for a few minutes but then he said You know – don’t take this the wrong way but I have to tell you – you’re beautiful. I could feel my cheeks get hot and I didn’t say anything back because I never know what to say when people tell me that.
We got to talking and I explained to him about how I just moved here and my temp work and how I could tell Marie wanted me to move out. Well that is quite the predicament you’re in. A real quandary he said. Then he said, if I wanted to, I could stay with him until I found permanent work. What the heck? I’ve got the space. Plus, I’ve got a good feeling about you.
So, I packed my bags and moved to Vinny’s the next weekend.
“Okay,” I say.
“Okay?” he says, turning to face me.
“We can if you want to.”
The moon’s coming through the window and there’s just enough light so I can see him smile. He turns around to kiss me and puts his hand up under my shirt.
The next day at the Jansens I’m standing on the step stool wiping down the tops of all the hanging lights so they don’t get dusty. I do this every Thursday. The new flower lady is here doing her arrangements. It’s the same company who does the flowers every week but the lady they sent today is new. I figure it’s because Mrs. J made the usual lady cry last week.
Mrs. J doesn’t need me to watch Braxton until Friday night tomorrow so today is just regular and I leave at 5:00. I walk to my friend Lisa’s apartment – she texted me in the afternoon to see if I wanted to come over. Plus I don’t really want to go back to Vinny’s because I don’t have any answer for him yet. His daddy is dying and he has to go to New Jersey to be with his parents for a few days. He said if his Daddy dies, he would go to New Jersey to live close to his Ma, that he’s been thinking about buying a place out there for a long time anyways and, if he leaves, would I want his apartment? I told him that I can’t get any apartment right now because of my temp work. I’m sure it’ll all work out, he said. This apartment’s rent stabilized and – you don’t know this because you’re new here – but a rent stabilized apartment in New York is like a winning lottery ticket. I just have to give your name to the landlord and he’d give you a lease. He doesn’t want to deal with finding someone new. Do you want me to? Give him your name?
Lisa lives on St. Mark’s Street and I love walking on this street, looking at everything going on all around. Just outside the front door of her building, down on the sidewalk, I see something shiny. I bend down to pick it up. It’s a keychain. It’s a silver circle with a blue and red bird on the inside and it says Toronto Blue Jays around the circle’s edge. Ever since I moved to New York, I’ve been finding things. Little things but I like them all. I’ve found some coins, an earring, a key, even a seashell and now this keychain. I got a Ziplock bag from Vinny’s kitchen and I’ve been saving them all in there. I like to open the bag and look at all the little things I’ve found and, once I get my own apartment, I’m going to put them all out so I can look at them.
Lisa’s waiting for me in the building hallway when I walk in, wearing a shirt but no pants – just her underwear on bottom.
“Hey girl!” she says and runs up to hug me.
Her apartment is a studio and if you lie down on the floor with your feet against the kitchen cabinets you can touch her bed if you reach your arms over your head. It looks like always – her closet is open but with nothing in it and I can barely see the floor because it’s covered with clothes. There are empty take out boxes and kitchen cabinets open and stuff everywhere. It looks like she just got robbed.
“Come in come in – sorry about the mess.”
I try not to step on anything but it’s hard. I push a pile of clothes aside at the end of her bed and sit on the very edge.
Her phone buzzes and she walks over and looks at it.
“God! Men are such trash,” she says, slamming her phone down on her dresser and I don’t agree with her but I nod and say “mmhmm” because I can tell she wants me to.
“Here. You want some?” she asks, and in her hand are white pills shaped like skinny little bricks.
“No thanks.”
“Come on, they’re just to relax. It’s Thursday – it’s basically the weekend!” she says, taking a few for herself.
“Maybe next time,” I lie. Doesn’t seem like a good idea to me.
“Okay I need to get an outfit picked out and then we can go.”
She pulls her shirt off over her head and bends over to dig through clothes on her floor. She pulls a dress out from some other clothes and puts it on.
I met Lisa at party that Marie and her roommates took me to. We started talking and Lisa and I realized we were both new to the city. She just moved here too – six months ago from Virginia. We’re friends for now but maybe we won’t be forever. Like staying with Vinny. Just temporary. It’s like what Vinny was telling me about the big tattoo on his back. All life is goodbye. I thought it sounded sad but he said it just means things are always changing, always temporary. That’s just life, he said.
“How was your week? I feel like we haven’t talked in ages!” Lisa says, but it hasn’t been that long because I came over last Friday.
“Good. Mrs. J asked me to babysit last night.”
“Really? Is that your job?” she says.
“No.”
“Is it good that she did?”
“I think. She gave me some extra money for it.”
“Good. Drinks on you tonight.”
Lisa takes off the dress and stands there in her underwear looking at all the clothes around the room.
“Hey whatever happened to your sister? Isn’t she pregnant? You an Aunt yet?” she says.
Gina’s pregnant. She’s not my full sister – she’s my half-sister. Everyone was surprised it was Gina who got pregnant. My older sister Gina – so good. Good in school, good manners, always knowing the right things to say and do. I was never smart – even got held back in 7th grade. Everyone was always saying I was going to get knocked up and never leave Kingsville. Well mostly Ma just said it but, coming from her, it seemed like the whole world was saying it.
I can’t believe I’m the one who got knocked up. I always thought it’d be you, Gina said on the phone after she told me the news. Yeah me too, I said to her but I wasn’t sure why I said it because I didn’t mean it.
Lisa takes another dress out of the pile and pulls it up her body from her feet. She reaches her hands up to tie the two pieces behind her neck.
“Gina’s still pregnant. But she’s due next month,” I answer.
“She lives at home right? With your mom?”
“Yeah,” I say.
“That’s nice. Your mom must be nice. Lucky for you. My parents are trash. Won’t get off me about I need to be on my meds and I need to get into therapy or whatever for all these bullshit made up mental problems I don’t have. But I moved out so they can just go fuck themselves.”
She picks up a wine bottle off the floor behind her and takes a long drink.
“Anyways, I’ve been thinking a lot this week,” she says, turning back and forth and looking at her dress in the mirror.
“About what?”
“About the future. The future!” and Lisa holds her hands up when she says this, like a beauty pageant girl after her baton twirling routine.
“We both need to get our plans together. What’s your plan?” she says.
“My plan?”
“Yeah, we both just moved here and now we’re in New York and if you can make it here you can make it anywhere. Know what I mean?”
“No.”
“Okay so my plan – and I only started thinking about it after I met this guy – but I met him last night and he’s an entrepreneur. Started his own company and everything. He sells vitamins and protein powders and weight loss drinks. I’m meeting him next week about it. Want to come?”
“Does it pay a lot of money?” I ask.
“Well it all depends on how hard you work. You have to pay a little to start just to get your products and then the sky is the limit! Whatever you can sell is how much you’ll make! Want to do it with me?”
“Maybe,” I say but I don’t think I want to do it.
“Yeah maybe that’s better. You’re younger so maybe you should work on – wait a minute – how old are you again? 19?”
“Yeah.”
“But you’re working?” Lisa says.
“Yeah.”
“So – wait – you didn’t even go to college?”
I shake my head no.
“Shelby! That’s what you need to do! You need to go to college. If you go to college you’ll have a lot more options for jobs and stuff.”
“I can’t go right now. I need to work.”
“Well you don’t have to go in person.”
“I don’t?” I ask.
“Girl. What rock have you been living under? Just do an online degree,” she says.
I was never very good at school. It’s not that I didn’t like it. I like learning new things, it’s just that learning never seemed to like me back.
“Do you have a computer?” Lisa asks.
“No.”
“Okay let’s go this weekend and we can shop for one. I think it’s a good plan for you.”
Lisa unties her dress and lets it drop to the floor around her feet. She stands there back in her underwear again with her hands on her hips looking very carefully at all the clothes around her on the floor, trying to decide.
Friday night and Braxton and I are sitting on stools at the kitchen counter and he’s working on his homework again.
“Where did your mom go tonight? To dinner?” I ask him.
“Shelby. She’s not my real mom – she’s my stepmom.”
“I know you’re right. Sorry I said that.”
“It’s okay. Are your parents divorced?” Braxton asks.
“No. Well I don’t know. I don’t think they were ever married.”
“Oh. What’s your mom like? Was she good at helping you with your homework?” he asks.
“Not really.”
“Danielle isn’t good at it either.”
I nod.
“What’s she like then, your mom?” he asks.
I think for a minute.
“She’s just like any other mom I’d say.”
The last time I spoke to Ma was at the barbecue. Everyone over at the house out in the backyard grilling up burgers and hot dogs and Ma always with a Bud in her hand, her always cracking jokes to everyone and smiling at them, but never at me. Telling them how smart Gina was. Gina was looking so pretty that day. It was 4th of July and I was all set to move out just like she told me I had to. My suitcase was packed and my flight was the next day.
Ma was mad at me. I was trying to clean up and dropped the lemonade pitcher all over the kitchen floor. It was empty but still the glass went everywhere. I was picking up the big pieces first when Ma and Aunt May and some others started coming back inside the house because it was getting dark outside.
Ma came in first.
“For Christ’s sake Shelby. You can’t do anything right can you?” Ma said.
This was my second mistake that day. Earlier I was salting the bowl of burger meat and the top fell off the salt and it ruined the whole bowl of meat and we had to throw it out.
“Darlene, she’s fine. It was an accident,” Aunt May said.
“Fine? Something’s wrong with this girl. Screws all loose up top!”
“Quit it,” Aunt May said.
Aunt May is Ma’s younger sister but I think she seems like the older sister.
“No! I’m tired of it with her. Problem after problem. You shouldn’t even be here right now! You know that?” Ma started yelling.
“Darlene! Stop!” Aunt May said.
“She’s old enough for the truth! Let me tell you what! I had an abortion and –”
“Darlene. Stop!” Aunt May grabbed Ma’s arm.
“But it didn’t take,” Ma said.
Ma laughed hard, she laughed something sinister.
I just looked down and I can remember all those perfect square tiles on the kitchen floor. Then I stood up and left all the glass pieces and went to my room and sat on my bed.
Aunt May came in. She sat next to me and put her arm round me.
“You know something?” Aunt May said.
I looked at her. I was trying not to cry.
“Fuck her. You hear me? You focus on your own life. You can do whatever you want. You’re leaving here tomorrow and you’re gonna build something just for you. You hear me?” she said.
I nodded. I knew Aunt May was trying to be nice but I remember thinking I didn’t know how to build anything, especially not a whole life.
“Shelby? Shelby?” Braxton is saying.
“Sorry,” I answer.
“Shelby, Shelby, Shelby,” he says, singing my name like a song and drumming two pencils on his book.
He stops his pencil drumming and singing and looks at me.
“Danielle keeps calling you Shelley.”
“I know.”
“Well, then tell her your name is Shelby.”
I smile at him. Braxton is only 8 but I think he’s smarter than most kids. Sometimes he makes me think maybe I don’t want to be like Mrs. J when I grow up, she reminds me of Ma a little the way she is with Braxton. Something cold about her. I can’t quite explain it – just a feeling I get.
“What’s your homework tonight?” I ask, pointing at his book.
“Science again.”
“Still birds?”
“Yep.”
He unzips his pencil pouches and starts taking things out of it. Colored pencils and regular pencils and a pencil sharpener and then he starts taking out tiny erasers and lining them up.
“So cute,” I say, picking up one of his little erasers. Each eraser is a different kind of fruit. A banana, an orange, a watermelon, things like that.
“You want one?”
“Oh no,” I say putting it back down and lining them up how he had them.
“Take one! I have lots.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, look how many there are. Which one do you like?” he asks me.
I can’t help smiling while I look at them.
“That one,” I finally say, pointing at the watermelon slice.
Braxton hands it to me.
“Thank you,” I say. I look at it few more times and then close my hand around it. I can’t wait to add it to my bag of treasures.
“My homework is that I have to build a bird nest this weekend,” he says.
“Yeah? Should we go outside and get some twigs and rocks and dirt then?”
“Yes but also – we don’t have to,” he says.
“We don’t?”
“That’s what’s cool about it. My teacher said birds can build nests out of anything. Like anything! So that’s what we can do. We can use anything too.”
“Anything?”
“We could use dirt or toys or little cars or napkins or food or trash! Trash!”
“Trash?”
“Anything! Even poo. We could build a nest out of poo if we wanted!”
“But . . . whose poo?” I ask.
I look at him and he starts to smile a little and then so do I and we both just burst out laughing.
That night, when Mrs. J comes back, she hands me money again.
“Braxton really likes you Shelley.”
Braxton is already asleep in his bed so he can’t hear Mrs. J call me Shelley. I think about correcting her and I open my mouth to say it but then I decide I’ll just tell her next time.
Instead I say: “I like him too. We have fun.”
And it’s true, I really like spending time with Braxton. I don’t have to think about things so much with him. It’s easy.
“I was thinking – you could be his nanny. It’ll be easier for me than having to interview a ton of new people. You’d pick him up after school at 3PM every day and then work until 10 or 11PM.”
“Like – permanent?” I say.
“Permanent? What do you mean?” Mrs. J says.
“I – well the agency – for the cleaning, I’m a temp.”
“Oh, I see. Yes because that’s only until Lina comes back. But, yes, this would not be temporary. You’d work directly for us and it would be a regular, full-time job.”
I have a lot of thoughts going through my head. I’m thinking that I’m excited but also that I’d have to be perfect every day working for Mrs. J because of how strict she is. I’m trying to think if the hours would be the same or different and if maybe I could make time for studying online like Lisa was talking about. I’m wondering how much money I would make and if it would be more than I make now and I’m thinking how permanent work would let me get my own place and maybe Vinny’s landlord would – ”
“Shelley?”
“Yes ma’am?”
“Think about it over the weekend. Let me know on Monday.”
“Okay.”
It’s dark outside and I walk towards the subway station for the train back to Bensonhurst. There’s not a single other person waiting in the station. I never see it this empty but I like it. Just me. The nice thing about it is there are a lot of seats open. I walk past one wood bench and then another. I choose the one in the center of the platform and sit down.
I still don’t know what to say to Vinny about the apartment but I’m going to tell him what Mrs. J told me tonight. I take my phone out and see a text from Lisa.
Want to come over tomorrow morning before we go shopping? We can check out laptops at Best Buy first but then we should go to Soho. I want to get some clothes for my meeting next week.
I don’t text her back. I put my phone back in my purse in its little pouch where I always keep it and see the watermelon eraser that Braxton gave me today. I take it out and turn it over, look at it real close. It makes me smile. I can’t wait to put in the bag with all my other treasures. But this one isn’t like the others. I didn’t find it on my own; Braxton gave it to me.
I look at the subway tracks in front of me up and then at the ceiling where the grates are and I can hear the sounds from the street above – I can hear the voices and the sirens and the horns and the footsteps, I can hear the whole city - and I close my eyes and just listen to the sound of everyone and everything going around me while I wait for the next train.
~ ~ ~
March 2026
JJ Norris
I can hear Mrs. J yelling at the nanny again.
“Irregardless! Irregardless!” she says.
Mrs. J is yelling and I have to laugh into my bent elbow because I’m standing at the sink doing dishes and my hands have the rubber gloves on them and they’re covered in soapy water. Man oh man! If Vinny were here. He’d go nuts. He knows all about grammar and words – all that sort of thing. He said to me Sweetheart, it’s “regardless,” there’s no such thing as “irregardless.” He hates when people say overexaggerate too. It’s redundant, doll – “exaggerate” does the job just fine.
I work for rich folks in New York City. The big apple. That’s what they call it. I’m still not sure why cause it’s not like there are apple trees or anything here. South Carolina – that’s where I’m from – it’s the Palmetto State and they call it that cause Palmetto is what they call palm trees and there are a lot of palm trees in South Carolina. So that makes sense.
“You shouldn’t need to be asked these things,” Mrs. J is saying to the nanny. “This is your job! If you and Braxton are playing with toys they need to be cleaned up immediately. All I do is trip over toys. This whole house is exploding with toys!”
I look over my shoulder at them. Mrs. J is waving her hand as she’s yelling and the nanny is looking at her real serious. Mrs. J gets mad a lot but I think it’s because she’s under stress. I turn around, get more soap on the dish sponge and go back to doing dishes. I like to mind my own business.
Mrs. J – that’s what we all call her – her name is Danielle and her husband is Josh Jansen. They have cars with drivers and a plane and a boat and more than one house.
I hear Mrs. J walking over and I focus on getting this dirty frying pan nice and sudsy.
“Shelley?”
My name’s not Shelley. It’s Shelby. But I don’t want to correct Mrs. J and upset her.
“Yes Mrs. J?”
“I left some laundry downstairs I need you to do before you go.”
“Yes ma’am.”
I always do laundry first thing in the morning. Its best to walk in, throw the loads in, start cleaning the house while they wash and dry and then do the hang dries just before lunch. Plenty of time that way. But sometimes before I go, Mrs. J adds something new before I go. I don’t mind staying a little late though, I’m glad to help her.
Mrs. J walks away in her clackety clack clack heels. She wears heels in the house even when she’s not going anywhere. I hear her go to her office and close the door.
The next minute, the nanny walks past me. Fast. She’s got her bag and keys in her hand. I turn around as she walks to front the door, opens it, and slams it behind her. It’s not even 5 o’clock yet and I know the nanny was supposed to stay late tonight with Braxton.
Mrs. J comes out of her office.
“What was that?” she asks, coming towards me.
“Shelley? What was that door slam?”
“Maura left,” I tell her.
“Maura left?” she says.
Mrs. J laughs but I can tell she’s angry. She goes back to her office.
By the time I’m done with the extra laundry, it’s 5:30. I’m getting my things together to leave when Mrs. J comes out.
“Shelley,” she says.
“Yes ma’am?”
“I need you to stay for a few more hours. With Braxton.”
“Um . . .”
“I know you’re not the nanny. Just help me out tonight. I have a dinner and Josh flies to Montreal tonight. I’ll order in and you just need to make sure Braxton finishes his homework, brushes his teeth, and is in bed by 9. Okay?”
She’s standing so close I can smell her perfume. Her clothes always look brand new and everything about her is just so clean. Her nail polish is always shiny and never chipping. I think of Ma and Aunt May and how even when they got dressed up for birthday dinners at the Cracker Barrel they never looked so clean and new. I think that when I get older I want to look like Mrs. J.
She’s waiting for me to give an answer. The agency said I’m only supposed to work 9 to 5 and they gave me a list of things that are part of my job – only cleaning stuff. But I don’t have any plans tonight. And Braxton’s a good kid – I like him, plus, I used to babysit the neighbor kids in Kingsville when I was younger.
“Sure – I can stay tonight.”
“Great,” she says, smiling at me which makes me smile because I barely ever see Mrs. J act happy like.
After Mrs. J leaves, I sit on the kitchen stool with Braxton while he does his homework.
“What kind of homework are you doing?” I ask him.
“Science.”
“Oh,” I say.
“We’re studying the animal kingdom. This week is birds. Like it?” he says, holding his paper up to me and I can see a pretty good drawing he did of a duck.
“That’s good. You got the colors just right. You ever seen a duck? In real life?”
“Yeah – at the park,” he says.
“Ever seen one inside?”
“Inside?”
“Yeah like in here?” I ask.
He’s looking at me real confused so I get off my stool and squat and stick my feet out funny and make my arms like wings and make a quacking noise with my tongue that sounds just like a duck. It’s a little trick I’ve always been able to do.
“Ahh!” Braxton yells, “you sound like a real duck. How do you do that?”
And I just keep waddling and quacking and Braxton laughs and laughs.
Mrs. J gets home after Braxton’s asleep. I walk to the front door when I hear her come in.
“Shelley – I was thinking – can you stay late again on Friday? You can come in late to clean. Just come in at noon and stay until 8 or 9.”
“I – I don’t know if-”
“Listen, just for a few days. Until I get someone to replace Maura. You’ll work the same hours just – later. And here, this is for tonight,” she says and hands me bills folded up and I can see that the top one is a hundred.
“Okay,” I say.
Mrs. J doesn’t say anything else and walks away.
I lied on my resume to get this job. Lied to the agency too. But Marie said it wasn’t a big deal, we were just stretching the truth a little.
Ma told me I had to move out after I finished high school. I was surprised, seeing as how Gina was still living there and Gina was four years older than me. On second thought, maybe I wasn’t so surprised.
When I told Aunt May that Ma was making me move out, she shook her head and said I should leave Kingsville. That she had a friend – Marie’s her name – who lived in New York City who made good money cleaning houses and that I should go. Aunt May’s been places besides Kingsville, not like Ma. Ma’s never been on a plane.
When I first moved to New York, I slept on Marie’s couch. My neck was sore those first few days because I spent so long walking around the city with my head tilted up at the buildings. Of course I’d seen New York on TV and online and such but never in person. I’d never seen buildings so tall in my life - I didn’t know people could build things so big.
Marie got me connected to the agency she works with – they get work for nannies and cleaners and state managers. She helped me do my resume. We lied and said that I cleaned houses back in Kingsville but really I just cleaned my own. But I cleaned it a lot – more than Gina did. Ma liked it to sparkle. It’s the least you can do. Pay me back some of the cost of raising you.
Marie had three roommates but they were all okay with me on the couch. But, after a few months, I could tell Marie wanted me to go. Which makes sense, because her apartment was pretty full and she’d done so much for me already. Problem was, I couldn’t get an apartment until I had permanent work. I only work for the Jansens for four more months until their other cleaner comes back from having her baby. I’m a temp the agency calls it. Temporary. But I need something permanent. When I tried to apply for my own apartment, no one would take me because they said they didn’t like my temp work. But the agency says I can’t get something permanent until I get more experience first.
So it was real lucky that I met Vinny.
I get off the subway in Bensonhurst and walk to Vinny’s apartment. I work in Manhattan but Bensonhurst is in Brooklyn. I use the first key for the front of the building and the second key for his apartment door. I never used keys at my house back in Kingsville. It was always unlocked or someone was home. Vinny gave me keys, which was nice of him, so I can come and go like I live here.
The shower is running. Vinny works construction so he always showers right when he gets home because he’s always covered in dirt at the end of the day. But it’s late now so this is probably his second shower. He’s real clean – doesn’t like dirt under his nails or dishes in the sink or the bed not made. I sit down in front of my suitcase where it’s propped open in the living room. Vinny’s apartment only has one bedroom so, at first, I was sleeping on the couch. But, after a few days, I started sleeping in his bed. Come on doll, that thing’s no good for your back. My bed’s plenty big enough. I promise – I’ll be a gentleman. No funny business.
I refold up some clothes in my suitcase, make it look neat. I won’t stay with Vinny forever. Just until I can get my own apartment. Until I can get permanent work. I take the money Mrs. J gave me out of my pocket. I unfold the bills and it’s three hundreds. That’s a lot. I wonder if the nannies and the cleaners and the state manager and the drivers all get paid the same as me or if some people make more and some make less.
“Hey there sweetheart,” Vinny says.
He’s got a towel wrapped around his waist but nothing else on so I can see all his tattoos – from his fingers up his arms, some on his chest and, when he walks by, the big one on his back that says All life is goodbye.
“Hi Vinny,” I say.
“You’re late. Everything okay?” he asks.
“The nanny quit,” I say.
“No surprise there. I can’t believe any of you stick around to work for that bitch. But what does the nanny quitting have to do with you?”
“Mrs. J. asked me to stay late to watch Braxton.”
He nods. “You hungry?” he says, pointing at the pizza box on the table. He always gets food for both of us. I used to try to give him money – for food and for rent and whatnot – but he won’t take it so now I don’t even try. I’m just happy to have you here, he says.
That night in bed, I lie on my side and pretend to be asleep. He turns the light off and I feel him slip under the covers. He’s up behind me and I can feel him, hard as always, grinding and rubbing into me. He starts to kiss my neck.
“Vinny?”
“What is it doll?”
“Could we do it another time?”
“Oh come on, you always have fun once we get going,” he reaches around and pushes his fingers inside me.
“Please?”
“Ugh.”
He turns to the other side and he says something but I can’t tell what. I can tell he’s upset.
I usually don’t mind going along with what he wants. It’s just tonight I’m feeling a certain kind of way. Not in the mood I guess. But, I don’t want to upset him. He’s letting me stay with him and that’s nice of him so if he wants to, I should try. I turn around towards him and put my arm over him, the front of my body is against his back.
“Vinny? Don’t be mad.”
“I’m not mad doll. I just like being close to you is all,” he says, and takes my hand in his.
I met Vinny one night while I was sitting at the outdoor tables at Bryant Park. It had been a few months of being in New York and I could tell Marie was wanting me to move out so I was trying to be at her apartment as little as possible so I would leave first thing in the morning and try to stay out as late as I could by finding places to sit and wait.
There were no other tables open and Vinny walked up and asked if he could share the table with me. He didn’t say anything for a few minutes but then he said You know – don’t take this the wrong way but I have to tell you – you’re beautiful. I could feel my cheeks get hot and I didn’t say anything back because I never know what to say when people tell me that.
We got to talking and I explained to him about how I just moved here and my temp work and how I could tell Marie wanted me to move out. Well that is quite the predicament you’re in. A real quandary he said. Then he said, if I wanted to, I could stay with him until I found permanent work. What the heck? I’ve got the space. Plus, I’ve got a good feeling about you.
So, I packed my bags and moved to Vinny’s the next weekend.
“Okay,” I say.
“Okay?” he says, turning to face me.
“We can if you want to.”
The moon’s coming through the window and there’s just enough light so I can see him smile. He turns around to kiss me and puts his hand up under my shirt.
The next day at the Jansens I’m standing on the step stool wiping down the tops of all the hanging lights so they don’t get dusty. I do this every Thursday. The new flower lady is here doing her arrangements. It’s the same company who does the flowers every week but the lady they sent today is new. I figure it’s because Mrs. J made the usual lady cry last week.
Mrs. J doesn’t need me to watch Braxton until Friday night tomorrow so today is just regular and I leave at 5:00. I walk to my friend Lisa’s apartment – she texted me in the afternoon to see if I wanted to come over. Plus I don’t really want to go back to Vinny’s because I don’t have any answer for him yet. His daddy is dying and he has to go to New Jersey to be with his parents for a few days. He said if his Daddy dies, he would go to New Jersey to live close to his Ma, that he’s been thinking about buying a place out there for a long time anyways and, if he leaves, would I want his apartment? I told him that I can’t get any apartment right now because of my temp work. I’m sure it’ll all work out, he said. This apartment’s rent stabilized and – you don’t know this because you’re new here – but a rent stabilized apartment in New York is like a winning lottery ticket. I just have to give your name to the landlord and he’d give you a lease. He doesn’t want to deal with finding someone new. Do you want me to? Give him your name?
Lisa lives on St. Mark’s Street and I love walking on this street, looking at everything going on all around. Just outside the front door of her building, down on the sidewalk, I see something shiny. I bend down to pick it up. It’s a keychain. It’s a silver circle with a blue and red bird on the inside and it says Toronto Blue Jays around the circle’s edge. Ever since I moved to New York, I’ve been finding things. Little things but I like them all. I’ve found some coins, an earring, a key, even a seashell and now this keychain. I got a Ziplock bag from Vinny’s kitchen and I’ve been saving them all in there. I like to open the bag and look at all the little things I’ve found and, once I get my own apartment, I’m going to put them all out so I can look at them.
Lisa’s waiting for me in the building hallway when I walk in, wearing a shirt but no pants – just her underwear on bottom.
“Hey girl!” she says and runs up to hug me.
Her apartment is a studio and if you lie down on the floor with your feet against the kitchen cabinets you can touch her bed if you reach your arms over your head. It looks like always – her closet is open but with nothing in it and I can barely see the floor because it’s covered with clothes. There are empty take out boxes and kitchen cabinets open and stuff everywhere. It looks like she just got robbed.
“Come in come in – sorry about the mess.”
I try not to step on anything but it’s hard. I push a pile of clothes aside at the end of her bed and sit on the very edge.
Her phone buzzes and she walks over and looks at it.
“God! Men are such trash,” she says, slamming her phone down on her dresser and I don’t agree with her but I nod and say “mmhmm” because I can tell she wants me to.
“Here. You want some?” she asks, and in her hand are white pills shaped like skinny little bricks.
“No thanks.”
“Come on, they’re just to relax. It’s Thursday – it’s basically the weekend!” she says, taking a few for herself.
“Maybe next time,” I lie. Doesn’t seem like a good idea to me.
“Okay I need to get an outfit picked out and then we can go.”
She pulls her shirt off over her head and bends over to dig through clothes on her floor. She pulls a dress out from some other clothes and puts it on.
I met Lisa at party that Marie and her roommates took me to. We started talking and Lisa and I realized we were both new to the city. She just moved here too – six months ago from Virginia. We’re friends for now but maybe we won’t be forever. Like staying with Vinny. Just temporary. It’s like what Vinny was telling me about the big tattoo on his back. All life is goodbye. I thought it sounded sad but he said it just means things are always changing, always temporary. That’s just life, he said.
“How was your week? I feel like we haven’t talked in ages!” Lisa says, but it hasn’t been that long because I came over last Friday.
“Good. Mrs. J asked me to babysit last night.”
“Really? Is that your job?” she says.
“No.”
“Is it good that she did?”
“I think. She gave me some extra money for it.”
“Good. Drinks on you tonight.”
Lisa takes off the dress and stands there in her underwear looking at all the clothes around the room.
“Hey whatever happened to your sister? Isn’t she pregnant? You an Aunt yet?” she says.
Gina’s pregnant. She’s not my full sister – she’s my half-sister. Everyone was surprised it was Gina who got pregnant. My older sister Gina – so good. Good in school, good manners, always knowing the right things to say and do. I was never smart – even got held back in 7th grade. Everyone was always saying I was going to get knocked up and never leave Kingsville. Well mostly Ma just said it but, coming from her, it seemed like the whole world was saying it.
I can’t believe I’m the one who got knocked up. I always thought it’d be you, Gina said on the phone after she told me the news. Yeah me too, I said to her but I wasn’t sure why I said it because I didn’t mean it.
Lisa takes another dress out of the pile and pulls it up her body from her feet. She reaches her hands up to tie the two pieces behind her neck.
“Gina’s still pregnant. But she’s due next month,” I answer.
“She lives at home right? With your mom?”
“Yeah,” I say.
“That’s nice. Your mom must be nice. Lucky for you. My parents are trash. Won’t get off me about I need to be on my meds and I need to get into therapy or whatever for all these bullshit made up mental problems I don’t have. But I moved out so they can just go fuck themselves.”
She picks up a wine bottle off the floor behind her and takes a long drink.
“Anyways, I’ve been thinking a lot this week,” she says, turning back and forth and looking at her dress in the mirror.
“About what?”
“About the future. The future!” and Lisa holds her hands up when she says this, like a beauty pageant girl after her baton twirling routine.
“We both need to get our plans together. What’s your plan?” she says.
“My plan?”
“Yeah, we both just moved here and now we’re in New York and if you can make it here you can make it anywhere. Know what I mean?”
“No.”
“Okay so my plan – and I only started thinking about it after I met this guy – but I met him last night and he’s an entrepreneur. Started his own company and everything. He sells vitamins and protein powders and weight loss drinks. I’m meeting him next week about it. Want to come?”
“Does it pay a lot of money?” I ask.
“Well it all depends on how hard you work. You have to pay a little to start just to get your products and then the sky is the limit! Whatever you can sell is how much you’ll make! Want to do it with me?”
“Maybe,” I say but I don’t think I want to do it.
“Yeah maybe that’s better. You’re younger so maybe you should work on – wait a minute – how old are you again? 19?”
“Yeah.”
“But you’re working?” Lisa says.
“Yeah.”
“So – wait – you didn’t even go to college?”
I shake my head no.
“Shelby! That’s what you need to do! You need to go to college. If you go to college you’ll have a lot more options for jobs and stuff.”
“I can’t go right now. I need to work.”
“Well you don’t have to go in person.”
“I don’t?” I ask.
“Girl. What rock have you been living under? Just do an online degree,” she says.
I was never very good at school. It’s not that I didn’t like it. I like learning new things, it’s just that learning never seemed to like me back.
“Do you have a computer?” Lisa asks.
“No.”
“Okay let’s go this weekend and we can shop for one. I think it’s a good plan for you.”
Lisa unties her dress and lets it drop to the floor around her feet. She stands there back in her underwear again with her hands on her hips looking very carefully at all the clothes around her on the floor, trying to decide.
Friday night and Braxton and I are sitting on stools at the kitchen counter and he’s working on his homework again.
“Where did your mom go tonight? To dinner?” I ask him.
“Shelby. She’s not my real mom – she’s my stepmom.”
“I know you’re right. Sorry I said that.”
“It’s okay. Are your parents divorced?” Braxton asks.
“No. Well I don’t know. I don’t think they were ever married.”
“Oh. What’s your mom like? Was she good at helping you with your homework?” he asks.
“Not really.”
“Danielle isn’t good at it either.”
I nod.
“What’s she like then, your mom?” he asks.
I think for a minute.
“She’s just like any other mom I’d say.”
The last time I spoke to Ma was at the barbecue. Everyone over at the house out in the backyard grilling up burgers and hot dogs and Ma always with a Bud in her hand, her always cracking jokes to everyone and smiling at them, but never at me. Telling them how smart Gina was. Gina was looking so pretty that day. It was 4th of July and I was all set to move out just like she told me I had to. My suitcase was packed and my flight was the next day.
Ma was mad at me. I was trying to clean up and dropped the lemonade pitcher all over the kitchen floor. It was empty but still the glass went everywhere. I was picking up the big pieces first when Ma and Aunt May and some others started coming back inside the house because it was getting dark outside.
Ma came in first.
“For Christ’s sake Shelby. You can’t do anything right can you?” Ma said.
This was my second mistake that day. Earlier I was salting the bowl of burger meat and the top fell off the salt and it ruined the whole bowl of meat and we had to throw it out.
“Darlene, she’s fine. It was an accident,” Aunt May said.
“Fine? Something’s wrong with this girl. Screws all loose up top!”
“Quit it,” Aunt May said.
Aunt May is Ma’s younger sister but I think she seems like the older sister.
“No! I’m tired of it with her. Problem after problem. You shouldn’t even be here right now! You know that?” Ma started yelling.
“Darlene! Stop!” Aunt May said.
“She’s old enough for the truth! Let me tell you what! I had an abortion and –”
“Darlene. Stop!” Aunt May grabbed Ma’s arm.
“But it didn’t take,” Ma said.
Ma laughed hard, she laughed something sinister.
I just looked down and I can remember all those perfect square tiles on the kitchen floor. Then I stood up and left all the glass pieces and went to my room and sat on my bed.
Aunt May came in. She sat next to me and put her arm round me.
“You know something?” Aunt May said.
I looked at her. I was trying not to cry.
“Fuck her. You hear me? You focus on your own life. You can do whatever you want. You’re leaving here tomorrow and you’re gonna build something just for you. You hear me?” she said.
I nodded. I knew Aunt May was trying to be nice but I remember thinking I didn’t know how to build anything, especially not a whole life.
“Shelby? Shelby?” Braxton is saying.
“Sorry,” I answer.
“Shelby, Shelby, Shelby,” he says, singing my name like a song and drumming two pencils on his book.
He stops his pencil drumming and singing and looks at me.
“Danielle keeps calling you Shelley.”
“I know.”
“Well, then tell her your name is Shelby.”
I smile at him. Braxton is only 8 but I think he’s smarter than most kids. Sometimes he makes me think maybe I don’t want to be like Mrs. J when I grow up, she reminds me of Ma a little the way she is with Braxton. Something cold about her. I can’t quite explain it – just a feeling I get.
“What’s your homework tonight?” I ask, pointing at his book.
“Science again.”
“Still birds?”
“Yep.”
He unzips his pencil pouches and starts taking things out of it. Colored pencils and regular pencils and a pencil sharpener and then he starts taking out tiny erasers and lining them up.
“So cute,” I say, picking up one of his little erasers. Each eraser is a different kind of fruit. A banana, an orange, a watermelon, things like that.
“You want one?”
“Oh no,” I say putting it back down and lining them up how he had them.
“Take one! I have lots.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, look how many there are. Which one do you like?” he asks me.
I can’t help smiling while I look at them.
“That one,” I finally say, pointing at the watermelon slice.
Braxton hands it to me.
“Thank you,” I say. I look at it few more times and then close my hand around it. I can’t wait to add it to my bag of treasures.
“My homework is that I have to build a bird nest this weekend,” he says.
“Yeah? Should we go outside and get some twigs and rocks and dirt then?”
“Yes but also – we don’t have to,” he says.
“We don’t?”
“That’s what’s cool about it. My teacher said birds can build nests out of anything. Like anything! So that’s what we can do. We can use anything too.”
“Anything?”
“We could use dirt or toys or little cars or napkins or food or trash! Trash!”
“Trash?”
“Anything! Even poo. We could build a nest out of poo if we wanted!”
“But . . . whose poo?” I ask.
I look at him and he starts to smile a little and then so do I and we both just burst out laughing.
That night, when Mrs. J comes back, she hands me money again.
“Braxton really likes you Shelley.”
Braxton is already asleep in his bed so he can’t hear Mrs. J call me Shelley. I think about correcting her and I open my mouth to say it but then I decide I’ll just tell her next time.
Instead I say: “I like him too. We have fun.”
And it’s true, I really like spending time with Braxton. I don’t have to think about things so much with him. It’s easy.
“I was thinking – you could be his nanny. It’ll be easier for me than having to interview a ton of new people. You’d pick him up after school at 3PM every day and then work until 10 or 11PM.”
“Like – permanent?” I say.
“Permanent? What do you mean?” Mrs. J says.
“I – well the agency – for the cleaning, I’m a temp.”
“Oh, I see. Yes because that’s only until Lina comes back. But, yes, this would not be temporary. You’d work directly for us and it would be a regular, full-time job.”
I have a lot of thoughts going through my head. I’m thinking that I’m excited but also that I’d have to be perfect every day working for Mrs. J because of how strict she is. I’m trying to think if the hours would be the same or different and if maybe I could make time for studying online like Lisa was talking about. I’m wondering how much money I would make and if it would be more than I make now and I’m thinking how permanent work would let me get my own place and maybe Vinny’s landlord would – ”
“Shelley?”
“Yes ma’am?”
“Think about it over the weekend. Let me know on Monday.”
“Okay.”
It’s dark outside and I walk towards the subway station for the train back to Bensonhurst. There’s not a single other person waiting in the station. I never see it this empty but I like it. Just me. The nice thing about it is there are a lot of seats open. I walk past one wood bench and then another. I choose the one in the center of the platform and sit down.
I still don’t know what to say to Vinny about the apartment but I’m going to tell him what Mrs. J told me tonight. I take my phone out and see a text from Lisa.
Want to come over tomorrow morning before we go shopping? We can check out laptops at Best Buy first but then we should go to Soho. I want to get some clothes for my meeting next week.
I don’t text her back. I put my phone back in my purse in its little pouch where I always keep it and see the watermelon eraser that Braxton gave me today. I take it out and turn it over, look at it real close. It makes me smile. I can’t wait to put in the bag with all my other treasures. But this one isn’t like the others. I didn’t find it on my own; Braxton gave it to me.
I look at the subway tracks in front of me up and then at the ceiling where the grates are and I can hear the sounds from the street above – I can hear the voices and the sirens and the horns and the footsteps, I can hear the whole city - and I close my eyes and just listen to the sound of everyone and everything going around me while I wait for the next train.
~ ~ ~
March 2026
